


Kimi no Tameni

by TheStarsHaveAligned



Series: Kimi no Tameni [1]
Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Death, F/M, Love, Suffering, abussive relationship warning, also major silliness ensuing, and it gets way worse, context folks, generic amount of tags, i hate tags did you know that, it's a dark dark story, it's at the begining of this chapter so beware, of course I'm not legitimising it but, the the exact amount to break you again though, yes I'm warning you all the way from ch1, yes it can happen too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 10:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12188532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStarsHaveAligned/pseuds/TheStarsHaveAligned
Summary: "No matter how many times I am reborn, I'll go to the place filled with sunlight that seeps through the trees where you are."





	1. loss

**Author's Note:**

> So that's it, I'm posting this again after revision and by some popular demand (really thank you to everyone reaching me from the ff.net times in my tumblr, and also sorry for deleting this)
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. It feels strange posting my old fics...

君のために - For you.  
  
  


『僕と生きて行きたいって君が言ってくれたから、僕も生きたいと思った』

When you said you wanted to live for me, it made me want to live too.

『例えいつか離れる時が来ても、僕の心は永遠に君のものだ』

Even if the time comes when we are apart, my heart will always belong to you.

『君が心から愛おしい』

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

『どうか忘れないで。僕はいつだって君の幸せを願ってる』

So don't forget this. I want you to always be happy.

『愛してるよ、千鶴』

I love you, Chizuru.

...

  
  


These sweet words that dripped like honey from his lips became in time bitter almonds that poisoned their relationship little by little.

Like a craving beast, tuberculosis was tearing apart his lungs and reminding him of his little time between the living. And it only was the second worst thing, compared to knowing he would become ashes once his time as a rasetsu was over. Souji didn't know what would kill him first, or what kind of death he was more terrified of, but there was something he was certain of; his time was near, _very_ near.  
And every time a cough left him breathless, every time he felt a part of his body become numb, he sensed death closer, hunting him viciously, reminding him of how painful it would be, and how suddenly it would come. And there was nothing he could do.

 

* * *

 

So in time he developed a resentment against the water of life, against demons, against life itself; against Chizuru. Because he felt tricked, his hopes on living vanished and his time shortened and his quality of life worsened. He felt bitter and deceived, because his time was limited, because he had left everything pass him and had survived a war and his comrades only to die like this, unexpectedly, painfully, without glory at all, miserably. He blamed Chizuru because he chose her, because if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have left Kondo, if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have left the shinsengumi, if it wasn't because he involved himself with her he wouldn't have drank the ochimizu, and because for her... for her he had become tame and could only expect death. He blamed her even though he could hear his former self tell him it had been tuberculosis which would have driven him to the same end, and not her, the only thing worth living for he had found. But he had become weak, and pity swallowed him.  
  
He had been chasing death all his life, the thrill of fight and not knowing whether you'd survive the day, the thrill of being the strongest. When he knew it was death the one chasing him, he reassured himself that he felt nothing, a small fright, a small uncertainty, but that he had a goal, a powerful dream. Now he was the weakened shadow of the warrior he used to be, the former first division taichou, a living ghost. Tuberculosis would have killed him either way, but at least, he thought, he would have died fighting. That was his only bitter thought, even though his former self's voice also told him it wouldn't have been that way, that he was already being progressively separated from the shinsengumi to die alone. That Chizuru saved him in more than one way.

And yet.

He hated it.

He hated his circumstances, his fate, his inability to fight and change it. He hated knowing he would die either way, no matter what he had decided that day. Not matter whom he had chosen.

His life became a whirlwind of self deprecating hate.

What Souji hated the most was his attitude towards Chizuru: he hated that even though she always showed him her smile, her kindness, her warmth, her selflessness, her gentleness, her unconditional love, he could only swallow in hate and agony over his condition, and she was always there to pay for his sins. He hated himself for doing that to her.

He hated knowing he would leave her alone. He hated that after all they had been through he would still be dying so soon, and that she still wanted to cheer him and make the most of their time together. He hated how much she tried to reassure him, how she tried to make him happy, how she always smiled to him. He hated how strong she was, when he was crumbling into pieces.

She would survive him and keep living, and he'd become a memory of her past, without any glory, without any merit, without anything... he would never give her anything.

She would watch him die, his life leaking like water between his fingers. And stay by his side until the end.

He would be leaving her alone.

He hated all of it.  
  
  


* * *

 

"Would you die for me, Chizuru?"

Blood spilled into the tatami, trickling down his chin and dripping from her arm like rain leaks from the roof, two crimson trails of life escaping their bodies like rivers feeding the sea.

"Yes."

Her voice was determined, not an ounce of doubt in it. And Souji couldn't take it anymore. How she had rushed to his side, how she had tried to soothe him in his violent cough and reassured him it would pass soon while he felt he couldn't breath and his throat burned and blood threatened to drown him until he vomited it.

He hated how she had tried to sound calm though her voice cracked with despair while her hands trembled as she cut her arm and offered him desperately her blood as a last resort, her eyes wet with tears threatening to spill at any moment. He hated how strong she had to be. He hated how she would sacrifice her all for him.

He was tired of hating. But could not stop.

"Too bad you won't have the chance. Such a pity, in the end it will be me who will die for your sake."

A shocked and hurt expression showed on her face, and her distraught eyes searched for his, any hint he regretted what he had said, any hint he didn't feel what he said. Anything. And he did in fact, regret what he had said. Souji was tired of blaming others for his decisions; he had always been strong enough to overcome anything, but not anymore. Loving her had made him weak, had given him something to lose, something to fear. Had made him human, even if he was to die like a monster.

He couldn't bear to look at her, so he just stood there, staring at the pool of blood, so dark it seemed it would swallow his sanity. And he wanted it to, to swallow him whole so he was away from all this. But it didn't; instead Chizuru knelt before it and tried to clean it with a cloth, her hands becoming crimson stained. Souji grabbed her wrist forcefully to stop her, and shocked her away from it, a sign he'd be doing it, but she didn't move though his hand was grasping her slender wrist with a strength close to breaking her bones.

_Go away._

_Go away from me please. I need to be alone now._

He needed her to leave him alone for a moment, he needed her away before he hurt her anymore.

But Chizuru had never left him alone, and so today she would not by any means. As he observed her, he saw how finally, her head bent down, tears fell into the puddle of blood.

 

* * *

 

The sun that morning hurt his eyes as he hitched mountain down into town to visit Matsumoto sensei's clinic. He had woken up early because his body needed every time more and more time to move fluently, and mountain walking was a severe strain he could not always tolerate. What had been a stroll before now became an odyssey, and every step he took mountain down he could only suffer thinking how he'd have to take it back up. But he needed to go. Alone.  
  
  


Chizuru woke up to find Souji already gone, his futon and his yukata folded in a haste; he had left in a hurry it seemed, though she knew how much it took him to move with that weakened body of his. Clutching at his yukata she silently cried, blaming herself for his agony, blaming herself because whatever she could do was not enough, if there was anything she could do at all. She felt so utterly useless watching life escape him... not even her blood would work anymore, if it had it ever worked at all. Souji was a rasetsu but drank the water of the mountains, so he hadn't had any more bloodlust attacks, but the strength had abandoned him and it only worsened his already deathly sickness.  
She knew why he had turned it all out on her. She knew of what he feared, because she feared it too; his unavoidable death, by means either of his sickness or by her father's concoction. And she blamed herself for allowing him to drink it, for her brother's hate spiral, for her destiny coated in blood. It reached her, and reached him as a collateral victim. He should have never involved himself with her, he would have lived as he had wanted, and even if tuberculosis would have killed him... in time... at least he would have lived to the fullest and to his last wishes. Yes, she knew, he would have blamed a lot of people, and he would have despaired. But nobody provoked his illness, and not the same could be said about being a rasetsu, having thirst for blood and spending your vital energy until you consumed into a pile of ashes. Coolly thought like that it was easy to say, but she was already convulsing with nausea as she desperately recalled what was to be their future.

And she had decided long ago she'd not give up, no matter how many times he did. She would fight for all the times he fought and gave her hopes, for all the times he had shown her to live to the fullest. She would save him, no matter what the price. And now she knew the price.  
  


* * *

 

Cicadas cried so loudly they seemed to be inside the small clinic Matsumoto sensei had settled in the town of Kamakura. The humid air and intense heat made sweat bead on his forehead and he wiped it with a cloth. He opened the door to the street to try and alleviate the heat with some wind and sighed as he saw his next patient and his sardonic smile as he approached him as if this was no more than a courtesy visit.

...

"Well you seem to be doing quite well..."

Matsumoto sensei finished examining Souji's body condition, his heartbeat and the noises his lungs made when he breathed, the color of his skin and of the sclera of his eyes, and his reflexes. Souji smiled a bitter smile at his choice of words, or rather his choice of not saying.

"You mean _for my condition_ , don't you?"

Matsumoto sensei heaved a big sigh.

" _Considering_ you came here alone and you haven't collapsed _yet_ , neither have you stricken a bloody cough while we were here, I can say it's a moderately good diagnosis. You _are_ doing well."

But Souji knew better than this. Today he wanted definite answers; this just wouldn't cut it.

"Honestly speaking please, I don't want hopes or anything. Tell me how I'm _really_ doing."

Matsumoto frowned at the neutral and even uninterested way of speaking Souji tried to show.

"I presume you are inquiring me about the tuberculosis, aren't you?"

"Well, yes; even though if you have any way to measure how much time left I have before I become ashes well, that would also be great."

Matsumoto sensei sighed again. The sass this man had.

"It's progressing... slowly. But unstoppable. From previous visits and what I can see... it's following the stages all sick men prescribed to rest suffer from."

"Meaning?"

There was a heavy silence and Souji knew he had cornered Matsumoto sensei. He wanted answers in form of time: he needed to know how much he had left in a measurable way. But maybe he was not that prepared for this.

"... Three, maybe four. Months."

A cold sweat broke in the nape of his neck and ran down his spine. But he remained as composed as ever and gave a side ways smile to the doctor.

"Ah. Is that so."

Matsumoto sensei looked at him intently, his eyes narrowing to slits.

"You can't be really telling me you are accepting this with such composure. You do know what this means, don't you? The decay it's going to be progressive, there will be a day you can't get up anymore, and a day you'll know you... it will be very painful. And it won't warn you or anything."

Souji kept staring at Matsumoto sensei, taking in on everything he was saying, too scared to even try to make a joke or take it lightly, but too used to show a facade.

"You need to tell her."

But this broke him somehow. Chizuru.

"Tell her? How would that make it any better?"

"Any better??"

Matsumoto sensei snapped, apparently he had had enough of Souji's attitude.

"She deserves to know! At the very last you'll be close to an invalid, she will be the only thing that would make your quality of life bearable the last days. You owe her."

"No offense sensei, but she deserves better than knowing this. You don't have to worry though, I don't intend to burden her _in any way_."

There was a silence and Matsumoto sensei knew better than to press the matter, but he could not leave it like this.

"Do you... intend to _leave_?"

"Oh, _in time_ we all leave."

"I'm not referring to _that_."

Souji only smiled and Matsumoto knew he'd not be getting any more answers from him. He had seen many patients choose _this_ way, instead of waiting for the illness to kill them. Nevertheless...this may be the time.

"Sensei."

Souji's voice sounded more serious now, a hint of panic in it that caught Matsumoto's attention.

"Don't you dare telling her."

Caught. Of course he'd preserve the confidentiality pacient-doctor but this... was a bit... extreme. Though a look at Souji was enough to keep his mouth shut and the silent warning a reminiscence, or maybe more, of what he could do, his past very fresh. He turned his back to Souji and took a small folded paper from his drawer.

"Take this with you and drink the usual doses twice a day. If you throw up drink it again."

Souji examined the contents of the envelope. Then stared at Matsumoto sensei rising an eyebrow.

"Here it's not enough for a month, sensei."

"I expect you to come here more often."

And that was all. Of course Souji knew Matsumoto sensei wanted his check ups to be more frequent due to his illness, but this was playing dirty.

"What if I can't move?"

He was half joking. Just half.

"Time enough to make me go there."

Check mate. If in a month he didn't come back Matsumoto would go there and Chizuru would know. A win-win situation, or a lose-lose for Souji. One way or another she'd know. His chances at doing something were lessened with this trick. Or that was what Matsumoto sensei hoped for. He walked Souji to the door, and there they stared at the cloudless sky and merciless sun this summer was granting them with, the cicadas loudly swallowing any other noises.

"Well then. Best regards to Chizuru chan."

"I will give her your best wishes."

"And take care."

"Oh, I'll try; maybe going back all he way up this mountain will kill me first though."

Souji laughed and turned his back to Matsumoto sensei's worried stare, knowing he had tried his best to fake that what really worried him the most was not the prospect of going back all the way up the mountain again, but going back home.  
  


* * *

  
The mountain of Kamakura had a very famous sanctuary in its forest, full of Shinto shrines that became a river of people in famous dates as tanabata and new year.  
Today though, Chizuru was visiting none of those shrines; she was visiting a small wooden shrine, its roof painted deep red and its well surrounded by hydrangeas, that would have called immediately the attention of the passerby, but that remained hidden to most of the people by a curse; a shrine that was said to grant the darkest wishes of those willing to pay the price for them. Chizuru had the wish, and also had the price to pay for it. She just needed the God to grant it. She walked the path covered in roots from maple trees that drove to the entrance, took off her sandals and walked inside. The shrine was only illuminated by natural light and the inside was cool compared with the humid heat outside, which gave Chizuru momentary chills. She lighted an incense stick and watched as it consumed before kneeling on the old tatami.  
A deep voice echoed as she bent her head at the figure of the God and clapped her hands in prayer.

"You are here again."

"Yes."

"Have you carefully rethought your prayer with peace of mind?"

"Yes."

"And what is your answer?"

"It's the same; I will do it, no matter the price. I accept it. Please, grant my wish."

The silence was only broken by the cries of the cicadas. Their sound reverberated in the shrine and made it as a constant mantra that emptied your head from thoughts and left you in a close to meditation state.

"The price for one of your wishes is too high. It will require something from the other part to equal the balance. Are you fine with that?"

Chizuru stayed silent weighting her next words.

"Yes, I want you to grant it. Do as you consider fair."

The God scrutinized her.

"Then formulate your wishes."

She breathed calmly. She had had time enough to think about this since she knew Souji's health was quickly deteriorating. Since she knew of the existence of this shrine. Since she could put her wish into words.

"Yes."

She knew what she'd ask for if miracles were possible.

Chizuru closed her eyes and silently thanked her ancestors for the knowledge they left to her, for the resources she found when she desperately looked at what she was and where she belonged to.  
The legends of her Oni clan spoke of a forbidden temple where dark gods fulfilled dark prayers to those desperate enough to pay the equivalent price for them.  
The Nameless Shrine was hidden but not to those who wanted to find it. The requirements were clear; if you saw it, it was because you had a wish so dark you could not pray for it at any other place.  
Chizuru had no difficulties finding it. And had no doubts about her wish.

When she opened her eyes again, they were clear with peace of mind and acceptance.

"My life span for his."

"Your life as an Oni amounts more than his human life; something else must be done to equal the balance: His memories will be erased. He will not remember you or your life together. That will equal the balance and pay the price. Do you accept it?"

Chizuru breathed deeply.

"Yes, I accept this."

"Granted. You will have to die for him to receive your life span. Second prayer."

"My afterlife for his."

There was a silence, so deep and deafening, Chizuru would have sworn the cicadas had stopped crying.

And then the God spoke.

"Granted."

 

* * *

 

Souji felt the strain to his body just as he reached the small hut they lived in; his legs almost gave out and he had to rest against a tree even though he was just a few steps away from the porch. He cursed inwardly his loss of strength and the panic he felt whenever he thought he was straining his body too much: he didn't want to disappear _yet_. It would be really pathetic if he died from being a rasetsu before tuberculosis killed him. Now that he knew how long he had with one of his deadly sicknesses, he didn't want surprises. At long last he reached the door and then felt dizzy all of a sudden. Panic grew in him as he suspected the worst. His vision went hazy and he felt his head airy.

 

"Not yet, please. Not yet!"

Strength abandoned his body and he grabbed at the door.

Chizuru. He needed to see her one last time if he was going to die. He couldn't die without seing her, without telling her how much he loved her, without saying goodbye.

"God... at least... let me... see h...er."

And he fainted.

  
  
つづく。。。

 


	2. meeting

Souji woke up to one of the worst headaches he remembered having in his life; His head felt light, his body was numb and his vision was still blurry. He tried to get up and found he was tugged under the sheets of his futon. That was unexpected.

"How in the hell did I reach my bed?"

A pang of pain made him wince when he tried to remember. He recalled he had woken up that morning, and went to town to check his health... and the diagnosis had been awesomely bad. Afterwards he went back home and then... then... he did faint. Yes, that was it. Though it seemed something very important was missing. And it annoyed the hell out of him. Not wanting to spend another second in bed he got up and went out of his room to wash his face, and. Wait.

There was someone in the kitchen.

Well, nope. He lived alone. If this intruder thought he could walk as he wished and steal whatever he wanted from his home, he had another thing coming. Souji grabbed his katana and quietly proceeded to meet his robber.

In a quick and smooth movement he had the sharp edge of his sword pressed against the woman's throat. His chest almost pressed against her back. He purred in a menacing and slightly amused voice.

"Say; I'd really hate killing a hungry woman just because. If you explain yourself, I'll consider sparing your life."

The woman did not flinch. Souji thought it was strange considering her situation but also exhilarating because it either meant she had experienced this before and was just fear stricken or that she was a woman to be feared. She _could_ be dangerous. Adrenaline rushed through him. He pressed the sword some more against her throat, _probably_ breaking a bit her skin.

"Answer me."

Very slowly, the woman rose her arms to show she was unarmed and then touched the sharpened edge of his sword.

"Please, I mean no harm. I just was hungry and had nowhere to go. I planned to get something light to eat and then go away."

 _Aw, really?_ Souji smirked in a predatory fashion at how composed she was even at disadvantage.

"Was it you who helped me?"

There was a silence and her breath did not quicken. Now, this woman was really intriguing him.

"Yes. Sorry, I saw you collapsed there and could not ignore it."

"Weeell, well. Where are my manners, then? Thank you, _kind_ stranger."

Souji slowly separated his sword from her throat and sheathed it in a beautiful arc. The woman turned her head towards him and for the first time their eyes met.

"Yukimura. My name is Yukimura Chizuru."

"Okita Souji."

"Nice to meet you, Okita san."

"And nice meeting you too, Chizuru _chan_."

There was a pause.

"I'd rather you did not address me like that, Okita san."

"Mmm not familiar enough, maybe?"

"Not _polite_ enough. We just met."

"You took me to bed today; I'd say we can skip formalities."

Souji saw her blush. He grinned devilishly.

"I just had the strangest feeling. Say, haven't we met before?"

He saw something flicker in her eyes but it disappeared quickly.

"I don't think so."

"Even so, I don't forget a face. I know I've seen you somewhere before."

He saw her shift uncomfortably. This was too much fun.

"Maybe my face is too common."

"Naw, it's not that."

It seemed the more nonchalant he was the more she fidgeted. Funny. He was teasing her but there was something else...

"I don't know how you can be so sure."

"I'd remember a beautiful face like that."

Another pause. And then she replied with the straightest face.

"It would seem, though, you forgot a beautiful face, then."

Souji could not avoid smiling amusedly. There was something in this girl. She answered with the same sass he delivered, but then went back to being shy. Was she putting an act or maybe...

"Then, Yukimura chan, did you say you had nowhere to go?"

He saw her look at him confused.

"... Yes."

"I live alone. I could have a guest."

"Why the hospitality? We just met."

"Oh. You intrigue me. I like it."

They looked at each other, Souji playfully and Chizuru questioningly.

"I could be dangerous."

Souji snorted.

"Oh _please_."

He touched his sword nonchalantly.

"I can't pay you a rent, I don't own money."

"You can pay me some other way."

He saw her panic. Maybe he was taking the teasing too far.

"Can you cook?"

"Um... yes."

He grinned.

"Then it's settled; you can live here if you cook for me."

There was a silence.

"Woah there, control your delight."

At this he saw it again, something betraying her straight face, for a moment. And then it disappeared under her stoic seriousness and calculated voice.

"It's not that. It's just... this is so strange. We just met, and you are already being really kind."

"Oh, don't mistake mischief for kindness; I'm the worst type, I assure you. This is but a whim."

"You really know how to make a woman feel safe, don't you?"

He grinned wider. Yep, definitely, Hajime's female version.

"Then?"

She seemed to be carefully thinking it. Then she looked at Souji and nodded.

"I will accept your offer as a temporary measure; please take care of me."

"Oh, and you _take care_ of me too, Yukimura chan."

"Was the 'chan' necessary?"

"If you wish to stay."

She sighed and he smirked.

 

* * *

 

Souji sat at the porch, a gentle breeze moving the wind chime he didn't remember having hung there, too girlish for his liking; the smell of cooked rice and miso soup reaching his nose and making him strangely at ease for its familiarity.

It had been four days since this girl, Chizuru, started living with him. At first she was extremely wary, he could not approach her by any means, but now he felt she was a bit more open. Yet, their conversations never went past the trivial things. This girl never talked about her past. Souji deduced she was running away from something or someone, because she didn't look like a beggar or seemed to have lived in poverty, yet she barely had luggage -not that his life was full of luxuries, but this girl barely had a change of clothes- , so she must have probably ran away in a hurry. Also the fact that she was extremely aware of her surroundings and seemed to have trust issues. Or maybe it was just with him and she really hated his teasing. Still, it didn't look as much as she hated it as she just felt uncomfortable with it. Souji didn't know why he was so fixed with her, nor why he had wanted to know her and had offered her his house; she definitely didn't look like she needed pity or anything, and yet. He had seen something in her eyes, an edge; something that really said she had literally nowhere no go.

He didn't remember having a spare futon, but he had. There were also some things that suddenly appeared there, such as a hair ornament carefully wrapped, obviously belonging to a woman, he had never seen while he had lived there; yet, he thought, it's not as if he had always been a clean freak, so maybe the previous owner of the hut left it there. It bothered him though, always a nagging feeling, as if he was forgetting something important he should be remembering. But in the end he always let it pass.

In these four days he had been strangely healthy, barely a cough he could surprisingly suppress without much pain, and not a speck of blood. He thought maybe this was providence giving him time to approach the matter with his new and wary house mate, that, on the other hand, seemed to have secrets on her own. That or his rasetsu powers were consuming his health on heaps, which was a slightly worse option. Yet, he considered and decided this was something he needed to tell her as soon as possible, to cover his back if he really had an attack. Maybe today would be the day he told her. And yet... he wondered if she'd be scared and want to leave. He didn't want her to leave. He was bewildered as to when had he become so attached with his guest.

"Okita san."

He sensed her carefully approaching him before he heard her voice; there was something very distinctive about her, and it was not her scent -though she certainly smelled well- , but just her presence, as if he was somewhat familiar with it, and that made him feel... comfortable.

Souji turned around to look at her. She had her hair pulled to the right side in a low bun. He found he liked her nape.

"Yes?"

"Food is ready."

"Thank you Yukimura-"

She smiled.

"-chan."

She frowned.

"Okita san, please, we talked about this."

"I can't see how this bothers you so much."

"But it does."

She sighed and he almost chuckled.

"Are we not close yet?"

"We barely know each other."

"We can solve that very quickly."

She blushed furiously.

"I meant a healthy talk. Have I done something to you in this four days? I see not how you can be so distrustful of me."

She sighed again, this time resigned.

"Fine. But could you please stop teasing me?"

"But it's so much fun like this."

"It's only fun for you."

"We can solve that too."

She playfully smacked him with a cloth. The gesture was so familiar, so... close to ring a bell that they both stopped and stared at each other for a moment, confusion showing in both their faces. But before he could utter a word she suddenly panicked and put her hands on her mouth, face pale and eyes shinning with fright. And bowed deeply.

"I- I am SO sorry!"

"...No, I mean, don't worry."

The sense of deja vu had been so strong he had stopped breathing for a moment. The only thing he could see was her. In slow motion, every gesture, every inch of her covered or uncovered, and her eyes when she looked at him again.

What is this.

Quickly she went inside and he stayed there, transfixed and thoroughly confused. After a while he shook his head and thought he better be going inside, to avoid making this any more awkward. And maybe check on her, since her reaction had been a bit over the top; he was not a Daimyo and she needn't commit seppuku for smacking him with a cloth. It even hurt a bit she had ran away like that.

Thankfully she didn't approach the matter, because Souji hadn't the slightness idea how to approach it either, so silence settled while they ate and after a while things were back to usual.  


* * *

 

The hut where Souji lived was small but cozy; it was clear it was old, very old, but the structure was well built and the interior was well conserved. The tatami and walls were in almost perfect estate, there were no leaks in the roof and the windows and doors closed well. But the best thing were the views; it was built on a meadow and for someone like Souji, who had spent so much time fighting and surviving, it was a shock to find such a peace living in such isolation and surrounded by nature and flowers. Because if there was something that grew in absurd quantities in that meadow were flowers. He remembered spending most of his time napping outside and relaxing with the breeze on good days, and staring at the mountains from the porch on the rainy ones enjoying the scent of wet earth and grass.

Today was one of those good, sunny and hot days. It was barely impossible to stay outside if not shielded by a shadow on this heat, but Souji decided time would definitely be wasted if he remained indoors.

It had been nine days since he met Yukimura Chizuru and by now he had figured out several things about her even though she was careful to show as little of her personality as she could. Like how she liked her rice slightly burnt though she never burnt the rice she cooked for him, or how she was extremely organized and tidy, and had a good understanding of how to manage a house. It was not that she hadn't been sheltered but more like she had learned to take care of herself. Souji also noticed she was _not_ scared of katanas, something that had been clear the day they met, but that kept intriguing him. She would look at his sword during the times he polished it, a wistful look he didn't understand. He could only hope she was not scared of blood either.

But what he had noticed the most was that she loved sunny days and flowers. It was as if her energy reached its peak and boosted on these days and she'd become extremely happy and positive. She'd spend the time picking flowers around the meadow and then making beautiful bouquets she arranged all around the house. Souji didn't complain, it was a beautiful change and it made her smile. He liked that carefree smile she showed when she thought nobody was watching her. Suddenly he felt as if he was a stalker.

Today she was there too, walking around the meadow, her head protected by a straw hat, when Souji saw her crouch and then shriek.

In a matter of seconds he was by her side.

"What happened?"

"O- Okita san?"

"I eh... heard you scream."

"Oh."

Souji became embarrassed he had _literally_ leaped from where he was sitting to run by her side just for a small cry. They were both blushing.

"So... um... you okay?"

"Ah! That... yes, I was just stung by a bee."

"Oh. So that was it."

"Yeah, I was just surprised."

Again an awkward silence.

"Does it hurt?"

"No, not much... thank you, I'm fine."

She hid her hand in her sleeve. Probably she'd take care of the stung later, alone. It somewhat bothered him she hid even the smallest things.

"Do you like flowers, Yukimura chan?"

She snickered; lately she had been less touchy with his way of addressing her.

"Yeah, I like them very much."

"Do you know how to make flower crowns?

Souji asked this in amusement and with the intention to boast about his absurd skill, but when he saw her face it seemed as if someone had told her her pet had died.

"Uh...."

She snapped out of it quickly, face almost devoid of emotion and voice lackluster.

"No, I don't."

Souji found himself perplexed at her sudden change of behavior.

"Did I say something strange?"

She flinched slightly, and then, quickly again, went back to her usual demeanor. She smiled kindly at him.

"It's that... someone I knew used to make them too and it brought back... memories."

"Oh."

Well, that was to be expected; Souji also had bittersweet memories, so he understood. Maybe she had a sister, or her mother when she was little... Well, he could always ask about this later.

"So, em... would you like me to teach you or do we leave this like that and make as if it never happened?"

She giggled at his nonchalant tone.

"Please, teach me if you want to, Okita san."

"You make it sound as if I was the one wanting to have fun."

"You always have fun."

He smiled. Then started gathering flowers and knitting them.

"My older sister Mitsu taught me how to do them when I was a kid, just so you don't get the wrong idea."

"What wrong idea?"

"Well, the _wrong_ , you know. A man making flower crowns and stuff."

"I think it's cute."

She said it so seriously he burst out laughing.

"Thanks, I suppose. Done."

Souji presented her a small and simple crown made of daisies and bindweeds.

"So beautiful..."

And then Souji found he could not stop staring at her looking wistfully at the flower crown. And that he wanted it on her. The crown he meant. The crown.

"Wanna try it?"

"Eh?"

And before she could protest he had crowned her.

"I knew it; it suits you."

She blushed deeply.

"Th-thanks."

And Souji was glad he had leaped to the field.

 

* * *

 

About two weeks since they started living together Souji decided _maybe_ it was already time he should have a very necessary talk with his guest, if only to know the basics. And because last night he had had a _bloody_ warning from his body; either the medicine Matsumoto sensei prescribed him had been working wonders on his health or his rasetsu powers were giving him a rush, but luck never lasted.

So when he saw her hanging the laundry he approached her and tried to help. Unfortunately for Souji he had _too much_ experience sneaking, and unintentionally scared the poor girl. The basket flew and she gave the scariest shriek he had ever heard from a girl.

As a result the just washed and clean clothes were scattered on the ground and he looked as apologetic as he could with this face of his as she breathed in and out with her hand on her chest to try to calm down.

"I swear, it was NOT my intention to scare you."

She glared at him accusingly.

"Okita san, my heart almost leaped out of my chest. We DID talk about this. Last time you _good willingly_ tried to help me I almost dropped the just cooked meal."

"Sorry, sorry."

"You are laughing."

"I'm not. I swear."

He was, but just because she was making such a cute pouting face.

"You really like to bully me."

"I swear it was unintentionally."

She narrowed her eyes and then gave up and sighed.

"Okay, fine. Now you'll help me wash it again."

"Fair thing."

He helped her picking the clothes.

"Y'know Yukimura, we should talk."

She stopped dead in tracks at his serious tone of voice.

He saw she had frozen in the spot and quickly kept talking, making his voice as light as possible.

"I mean, it's not big deal, but I would like to know something more about you, because well... I only know your name and that you are a woman."

Souji flashed her a smile but she stayed silent. Okay he'll give her that; absolute failure at his attempt to lighten the mood. Back to being direct.

"I accept you need time, and I know it must not be easy; I can clearly see you are hiding something and running away and I won't press the matter if you don't feel comfortable, but I _really_ would like to know something more."

She bit her lip. He could not take his eyes from her.

"If you knew about me... you'd probably kick me away from here."

Souji frowned at that.

"Of course not."

He meant it. She didn't seem to be buying it.

"Fine, then I'll start talking about me."

Maybe scaring her wasn't the most clever idea, but maybe, just maybe, she needed to see her problem wasn't as terrible as his past.

"You see, you've been living with the infamous Okita Souji, former Shinsengumi taicho. I may have killed more people than I can count and remember. And I can hardly remember having regretted any of those deaths."

She looked at him, her gaze unreadable.

"I don't see you surprised."

She bit her lip again. Souji thought she was hiding her fright and smiled bitterly.

"Well, we were infamously famous. I can't blame you for that."

"It's not that."

 _Oh_.

"Then?"

"I already knew you were _dangerous_. Remember the circumstances under which we met."

True. A katana against the throat can hardly be said not to be a warning. Yet he could see she was _not_ scared now, neither had she _really_ been scared of him. She was not scared _of him_. It reassured him in a way he hadn't thought he needed.

"About that I would also like to apologize."

"Don't worry, you don't have to; I was in fact, at your home. Any man would have done the same in these circumstances."

"Yet you didn't flinch."

She breathed sharply.

"I... I come from a difficult past."

"I'm not pressuring you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Just start with the basics."

Souji offered her a reassuring smile and saw her clenching her fists and then, very slowly, as if strength abandoned her, breathe out.

"I did... something unforgivable."

Souji waited. But it looked as if words could not come out of her mouth so he tried to reassure her again.

"I don't believe you could do something that terrible-"

"You don't know me. I am not a good person Okita san, _I turn humans into monsters_."

There was a long silence threatening to drown them both.

"I hurt the person I loved the most. Because of me that person will never be able to live happily again."

Souji's heart was beating extra fast. His palms were sweating and he felt a bit cold. It was the _way_ she had said it, not what she had said, that made him feel as if she had committed the worst kind of sin. Not because of the sin itself, but because whom was suffering it. The person she loved the most. The person she _loved_ the most.

"Was that person..."

_Don't say it Souji. Stop._

"... your lover?"

_Please. Don't._

"...Yes."

It was as if ice cold water had just fallen over him. Souji breathed deeply to try and calm his heart. He should be the one trying to ease her worries and make her trust him; he couldn't afford to let this affect him- why the hell was it affecting him??

"Look... whatever you did, I don't think you should be blaming yourself over it in such agonizing way.”

Souji chastised himself inwardly for the half assed lie; he knew better than anyone how was blaming oneself for a lot for things, but he was also sure as hell her case and his were quite different.

“What I mean to tell you is that, you should value your life more and ponder if what you did really has no way to be solved or be made up. And even if you say it was your fault just how could you completely ruin someone's life like you say you did?"

It was very difficult believing such innocent looking existence could be a doom slayer. He almost snorted that last part, and then she looked at him.

"But it's true. I did it. I made him miserable and bitter, and because of that he... stopped loving me. I committed an unforgivable sin and destroyed his life. I don't deserve your sympathy Okita san."

Tears started to fall from her eyes, streaming down her cheeks, her attempts to wipe them fruitless. And in turn he felt his own heart was breaking and that he could barely control the flow of emotions that rushed to him.

Souji had never fallen in love, but this may have been the closest thing to falling he had ever felt. Because he could not stop looking at her. Every piece falling in its place. And suddenly it dawned on him.

"I am sure he'd forgive you... if he saw how repentant you are and how much you love him... I am sure."

_I'm sure I would._

She smiled at him, and it was so sad he felt he could not breath.

"You are like him before I ruined his life."

He could not believe it. But it was crystal clear;

He had fallen in love.

He was in love with Chizuru.

And she was in love with another man.

_Don't say that. Don't compare me to him. I'd never hurt you._

  


つづく。。。

 


	3. falling

 

_"I'd never hurt you._

_Would you die for me?_

_I will die because of you."_

Souji woke up from his nightmare covered in sweat. He had had another of those dreams, all the same as always; a woman was by his side, and he promised her endlessly he'd never hurt her, but then he saw himself saying horrible things to her, making her cry and hurting her. And then she disappeared, disappeared physically from his side leaving a void that threatened to swallow him. And then he woke up in a heap of desperation and anguish.

The face of that woman... he knew her but could not recognize her. Who was her? A woman from his past? But he didn't remember having had a relationship. Ever. His life had always been Kondo, and after that the Shinsengumi. He had never had time nor interest in women and had never thought of having a relationship or falling in love before.

Yet this woman in his dream... even if he could not see her face he knew her, and even though he could not recognize her he _knew_ he loved her. Loved her in a magnitude that made him ache.

How could a dream make him feel like this?

He breathed deeply and tried to ignore that feeling, that nagging feeling that ate at him. He got up and went to drink something, his sleep completely gone.

She was there too, at the kitchen, and Souji's feet stopped by the door. Two days had passed since that dreadful conversation they had at the yard, and they had barely spoken since then; in fact Souji felt as if his heart was being slowly squeezed by a vice every time he remembered it. Looking at her slender frame from the distance he thought that the light of the moon made her skin too pale, too translucent; he suddenly was scared at how much her appearance resembled the dead with this light.

And then she noticed him.

"Okita san, can't you sleep either?"

Her voice sounded strained. He had to swallow before answering.

"I was just thirsty."

"So was I."

She offered him the bucket of water and he took it. Souji stood there looking at it, not really seeing anything, just wondering what was going on with his head. What he should do. Why his heart was screaming at him to do something. What was it that his heart was screaming? He could not understand it...

"Are you okay Okita san? You are very pale."

Was he? His eyes met hers and he thought she could see right through him. That she could see what he could not. That she _knew_ what he did not.

"Yukimura, I have tuberculosis."

She didn't say anything for a while, time enough to put Souji on the worst. If that was going to be her reaction he didn't feel the necessity to tell her about the other slightly worse thing. And then she spoke.

"Are you scared?"

He blinked.

"I... well, I'd be lying if I said I am not scared. I am more scared of the _how_ though, than of dying in itself..."

She just listened to him, her eyes gentle, and he felt as if she was reassuring him. As if she understood and accepted all of him.

"What about you; aren't you scared?"

She smiled sadly, and he realized he was getting used to her sad smiles as in lately.

"No, I am not. My life... my life will be over soon, too. So-"

"What do you mean?"

Souji felt a cold sweat run down his neck. What did she mean, was she sick?

"I will die soon, I made a pact. Now that we are coming clean one with the other I think it's fair you know it. I traded my life over his."

What. No, wait, what?

"What do you... mean. You traded, how can that be traded?"

"He was sick because of something I did. I made a pact with a god to save him. My time here is... limited."

No. No, no, no, no. He had to be dreaming. It was so surreal he could not believe it.

She must have seen his disbelieving face because she chuckled humorlessly.

"I know it sounds... strange. But I had no other option. I would have given my life for him, and now I can. I can save him, and so I will. That is why I had... nowhere to go. I can't go back to him. But I had nowhere to go, so... until my time comes I am very thankful you allowed me to stay here."

"Your time. When is... your time?"

_Souji how is it that you always ask the questions you don't want answered?_

She breathed calmly. And then looked at him, and whispered.

"Before he dies."  
  


* * *

  
A month had passed since they first met, and summer rains came to aggravate the intense heat with unbearable humidity.   
These last two weeks had been the worsts Souji could remember. Chizuru was going to die. She was going to die to save the life of the man she loved. And it was no bluff, it seemed not only was she determined to do it, but there also was a _realistic_ way to do it. It was going to happen. She was going to die. He could not breathe. Thinking she loved someone so much she'd give her life for him, what could he do? He had tried reasoning with her, but she always cut him. He had tried convincing her otherwise, and even got her angry saying she was in a debt, and that she may not love him, or that he did not deserve it. That was what pulled her last straw it seemed, and she didn't speak to him for a whole day. It was unbearable. He had never in his life begged, but he did. And finally it seemed she forgave him, but he first had to apologize. He truly, truly, didn't know what to do. And his time too, was limited.

This last weeks had shown him his tuberculosis was taking exactly the steps Matsumoto sensei warned him it would; he was getting weaker by days, and even though Souji thought at the beginning it was more a mood thing, it soon was proved not to be related with how positive he tried to feel over the matter; his coughs became more and more frequent, and sometimes he felt he couldn't breathe when he laid down on his futon. Worse than that, he was sure she could hear him trying to muffle his coughs, and more than once he had heard her too, getting up from her futon on the room next to his, and waiting until he laid down to sleep again, one morning finding her asleep leaning on the adjacent wall to his room.

Souji knew the end was near, it was approaching him inexorably, and there was no way to fight it. In his agony he could not stop thinking what good it would do to try and tell her his feelings. It was the last thing he could do and yet... he would be dying too, soon.   
  
So, everybody was going to die. Awesome.  
  
As Souji walked out from a very necessary bath -it helped him calm down and think all he could not at night because of the heat and the cough strokes- he stopped and stared at Chizuru looking at the rain from the porch. She had the most melancholic expression he had ever seen: it was as if she was crying inside, looking at something she could not reach, something off limits, something forbidden. She walked out of the porch into the rain suddenly, and something inside Souji screamed that if he let her walk away any further he'd never see her again. In a second he was running towards her and embracing her from behind, pinning her arms to her body.

"O-Okita san...?!"

"..."

Their hair and clothes were soaked, and she tried to break free from his grasp and pleaded to let her go, but he didn't give a damn; he kept hugging her as if she was a lifeline, as if she was the only thing anchoring him to life. It was stronger than any other thing he had felt. He would not, could not release her. Nothing felt more right than this, having her in his arms, close to him, and being with her. He needed her alive, she could not die. He'd not allow it.

And then she stopped fighting.

"Okita san, you should go inside-"

"You are soaking wet too."

"...Then we should go inside."

Her voice was trembling and Souji knew she was crying. That's why he didn't look at her, he just hugged her tighter and buried his face on the crook of her neck, feeling his heart was breaking.

"Don't do it."

She just stayed silent, her small hands grabbing at the damp sleeves of his arms.

"I have to. Please, release me."

"You don't have to."

"Okita-"

"Don't die for him, live for me."

He felt her freeze. There, under the pouring rain, her body stayed still in his arms and he thought seconds were passing horribly slowly. He had confessed his love for her selfishly and unilaterally, without any other regard. But there truly wasn't time for remorses. Yes, he was a dying man confessing his love to someone ready to die for the man she loved. And yet. If it worked, if she would...

She shivered and he hugged her tighter. She didn't fight back.

"Please..."

Her voice cracked.

"Don't do this to me."

"Please live, Yukimura."

She cried harder.

"I can't. I can't."

"Do you love him that much? Even if I told you he doesn't deserve you? Even if I told you I love you more -that I would be by your side for as long as I lived?"

_Wow Souji, pretty long promise. - Shut up._

"I... I'm in love. I can't... love you."

Woah there. Wait. For a moment the sound of the rain pouring made Souji think he had misheard. He never thought he could read between lines, but had he just did?

Souji's embrace loosened, and just as Chizuru took her hands from his clothes, he turned her around and grabbed her chin. And made her stunned form look at him.

She _couldn't_ love him.

She was in love. With whom?

"O- Okita san?"

Her eyes frantically moved as he stared into hers. She just... had said _something_. He had to try. He had to. There was nothing to lose, it was all lost already, why not trying?

And he kissed her.

The rain was pouring hard but he didn't feel it at all; her hair was stuck against her face, and she was slightly trembling. It was their first kiss, and yet he remembered this feeling, as if he had experienced it before. She gripped his clothes and he embraced her tighter again. Her body was warm, and her lips were so soft... And then all of a sudden she pushed him away, with all her strength.

She stood there, looking at him completely outraged, guilt plastered in her eyes, and he knew she'd not be able to deny she had felt it too. She may love her betrothed. But she loved him too.

He had a chance.

He had-

"I hate you."

He froze.

"What?"

"How could you?"

She was completely enraged, tears streaming down her face. Souji almost reeled back.

"Wait a moment, you kissed me back!"

"How dare you!"

She tried to make a run to the house but he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.

"Woah woah, wait there."

She tried to break free from his grasp and refused to look at him. Okay, he'd been forceful, and maybe, just _maybe_ this was not the right way to do things. But what else could he have done? What else was left to try?

"I can't let you do this. I can't let you die."

"It's not your decision!"

"Fine then! Whose decision is it? Does he know you are going to die for him!?"

She flinched.

_So he doesn't know._

"He doesn't know of your sacrifice and he hasn't looked for you yet. You ran away and for what I could see you didn't run away from a very far away place nor for a long time: that means he either doesn't care or-"

"And what do you care?"

"What do _I_ care!?"

They glared at each other, and now Souji was impossibly frustrated and nearly angry at her attitude.

"Just what kind of death wish do you have? Are you going to die for a guy who won't even look for you? Or what, do you think if you do this you'll redeem in his eyes? That this will make him love you back?”

She clenched her fists, and Souji could see she was at her limit.

"None of that... matters. He will be happy, and have a long life and find someone else to love-"

"How can you be so sure about that? What if he doesn't? What if you're mistaken and he loves you? Would you want him to blame himself over your death for the rest of his life? Do you want him to regret your death forever, just because he said hurtful things to you? Do you want him to regret all his life blaming you over his own faults?"

She gasped and looked at him horrified.

Wait. What had he said? Just about whom... was he talking about? Every word had come pouring from him and he could not stop the torrent of feelings that came with them. As if he was... His head started to hurt pretty bad just then, a splitting headache that made him feel dizzy. Was he going to faint right there? That would be really pathetic, now. Just as he was feeling his body numb he felt her hold him.

They looked at each other, and he saw just how much it was hurting her, how much pain she was in. And he flinched inwardly. Damn it. He had hurt her and what for? Good goddammit. He was not enough. He was... late. The only woman he has ever loved, and she was going to die. And he was going to die. For god's sake, just what kind of sick joke was this?

"I am sorry Okita san..."

He saw her bend her head and try to muffle her sobs. There was nothing he could do. Nothing. At all. He gently put his hand on her head and pressed her against his chest. His voice came out strained.

"I wish... I had met you before you met him. I wish I could have made you fall in love with this piece of trash I was, because I am sure I would have made you happy. I am sure I would have done anything for you. I would have left everything for you. Or even then I wouldn't have had a chance?"

"Okita san..."

Her voice cracked and she sobbed harder against his chest.

"Tell me I wouldn't have had a chance. Please, tell me or I won't be able to give up on you. Tell me you don't love me, or I won't be able to let you die."

"You wouldn't let me die anyway..."

He laughed humorlessly.

"You are right..."

He held her tighter and they embraced, this time Chizuru clinging to him.

"... I won't let you die."

 

* * *

 

Very slowly, as if every step drove them to the end of the world, they walked inside the house.

The mood was awesomely dark, and Souji knew the end was near in fact; he could feel it, that she was at her limit, that if he pressured her any more she'd break. She had too many burdens on her back, she was bearing too much guilt.

He lit a fire, to try and dry their damp clothes, and as sat before it, he could not stop thinking about everything that had happened so far.

That man she wanted to die for, that miserable man... he just wanted to kill him. How could someone hurt the person he supposedly loved this much? He would never forgive him, never. All this suffering, if he found him he'd make him pay. If he could kill this man before Chizuru had to die...

But then again, would she be happy? Would he be able to make her happy.... even if she forgave him for killing her lover -improbable- and eventually fell in love with him, if he was going to die anyway, she'd be left alone no matter what. Her betrothed will die if she doesn't kill herself, and he will be dying soon.

Souji cursed their fates. Cursed his illness. Cursed the world. Because he loved Chizuru, but could not do anything for her; if this was how this would be ending wouldn't it have been better if they hadn't met then? All this reasoning sounded strangely familiar to him, and laughing desperately he realized his destructive behavior was the only thing he knew; he only knew how to kill, how to destroy. Yeah, he'd have never have been able to make her happy, even if he had met her before she met her lover.

Chizuru deserved happiness, but instead she was going to die.

At least she would die for a purpose, for someone. What did he have? He had nothing, he was alone, he'd die alone... all alone.

He felt his hand being gripped strongly. She was sitting next to him, their clothes still soaked, her hair dripping... And when she spoke, her voice was clear and soft.

"I am not leaving you. Not now. So, don't worry; don't make that face. I'm here. Relax."

Was it that evident, his distress, his anxiety? His pain...

Souji leaned on her slowly, his forehead touching her shoulder, and let go of his self-restraint.

"I will be dying alone. I know it's not something I should be saying because you already have your burdens but... I just wanted to thank you for this month."

"It should be me who thanked you for all you've done for me."

"Ha... really. So you help me see life for the first time in years, you bring something pure into my life and it's you who thank me... this world is really messed."

"Okita san..."

"I understand now. I can understand now finally. What you feel for your lover. If I could trade my life for yours I would also would."

She bit her lip and tears streamed down her face. Souji straightened himself and looked at her.

"I'm making you cry again. I'm sorry."

"It's not that... it's not that. I..."

"I know."

She looked at him and Souji felt a peace he hadn't felt in years. Maybe he was going to die soon. Yes, but at least... he met her. It was worth it. She saved him from dying without having known what love was, even if love was cruel, even if it was unrequited, even if it was short, it was sweet, intense. It made him learn that you could love someone so much you only wished for her happiness, even if it was not by your side. It was heart crushing and desperate and among all completely irrational. His first and last love. And he actually smiled happily, because he had realized all this.

"I love you, Chizuru.”

She gasped and he saw that again, flickering in her eyes. It felt so good, being able to say her name, for some reason... It felt freeing. It felt... right.

“My only regret is not being able to save you. I want you to be happy, so if that man makes you happy _-if dying for that man makes you happy-_ there is nothing I can do. I'll give up for you."

He didn't want to let go, he didn't want to do the _right_ thing, it was more that he didn't have a choice, did he? He was already a dead man, so... never mind being upright. Souji knew that if he had been healthy he'd have fought to keep her, and steal her. Now that was just a hopeless wish.

She cried harder. This was not going well, he thought; what he wanted was to ease her, for god's sake. Or maybe, he remembered what Sanosuke had told him once, girls needed to cry their heart out to feel better afterwards. It was a girl thing and it seemed that guy knew about that a lot. If this didn't work though, he'd have to make sure to write a very hateful letter to that bastard, wherever he was.

He slowly entangled his fingers with hers.

"Nee Chizuru.. if you don't feel like this is somehow cheating, what would you say to staying like this for a little while? I have never felt... this for someone. Maybe we can pretend for a short time we are lovers. I bet you I can make a surprisingly good act on how much I love you."

She laughed between sobs, her tears streaming down her face slowly stopping. Ah, he really, really loved her. She breathed slowly, and looked at him, her eyes shinning and smiling shyly.

"I think... for a while. This is fine."

Oh damn.

"Maybe this isn't as good idea as I thought."

Souji averted his eyes.

"Why is it?"

His levels of nervousness were reaching a peak. For god's sake, how could he be so self conscious? How old was he??

"If you say it like this I'll really want to kiss you."

There was silence and he swore internally for being so stupidly blunt. But her hand hadn't left his. Was it an act of pity? He was so aware of her small fingers intertwined with his...

"Well... it would be really bad if our last kiss' memory was me pushing you away, so..."

It took him a moment to react. He turned to her very slowly, and she was looking at their entwined hands. He grinned in disbelief.

"What, you mean _this time_ you won't be pushing me away?"

He just wanted to tease her and lighten the mood but she blushed harder and then squeezed his hand. She couldn't be serious. This couldn't be happening. Had she just accepted?

"I also want to... kiss you."

Gods. Oh gods. She shouldn't have said that. How in the hell did she want him to control himself if she said such things? He swallowed.

"Chizuru... look at me."

He gently lifted her face and she gasped. He ran his fingers along her cheek and pressed his thumb gently to her lower lip.

"I don't know if I can control myself if you say these things... so please, if you don't want this, stop me now."

Her dazed eyes looked at his and Souji felt he was a step, only a step from losing control. And then she closed her eyes and lightly kissed his thumb.

That was it. Damn.

In a moment his hand was holding her nape and his lips were on hers.

And this kiss was truly hot, mind blowing and intense. His tongue slipped past her lips and she did not reject him. Souji felt his feet were being swept away from earth and all his body was going to melt. It was too much. He had to stop. Now.

Because if he didn't stop maybe she'd really regret it later and blame him and gods she was kissing him back and he couldn't think.

She really wanted him, she wanted him as much as he did want her. It was too good to be true. It was... too good.

Souji slowly stopped kissing her and breathed trying to regain control over his excited self, though it was difficult with her lips so close to his and her breathing tickling and tempting him. But he did, and pushed his forehead against her.

"Chizuru..."

Pity or not, love or not, honestly, this was as far as he'd take it. Any more involvement and he was sure his heart would burst before any of his other illnesses killed him. They could not be together, period. It was enough, it had to be.

"Okita san... I-"

"You are freezing."

She looked at him lost for a moment. He sighed.

"We have to take off these clothes and dry ourselves before we catch a cold that kills us before time."

There was a moment of silence and he could see how Chizuru's gears moved inside her head, her confused stare slowly turning into something panicked and embarrassed.

"Wa-wa-wait-"

He burst out laughing.

"Of course I don't mean in the same room... Or would you-"

"No! O-o-of course n-not!"

He grinned at her blushed state and got up from the floor.

"I'll be in the room next to this; take your time and use the fire to warm up."

"But-!"

"I will be fine, do you think I'm such a push over I can't handle this much? It's you who's trembling."

"It's _not_ because of the cold..."

He could hear her whisper and had to breath deeply to get his self control in place. This girl was tempting him unknowingly and he had never tried this hard not to do something he wanted to.

"Well then, call me when you are done changing."

She looked at him and just as he tried to understand what was that longing and loneliness he saw in her eyes it happened.

It came suddenly.

A cough strike strong enough to make him double in pain. And then a stream of blood flooded from his mouth. He bent on his knees, and put a hand to his mouth to uselessly try to stop the blood.

"Souji!"

She was immediately next to him, holding his head and pressing his chest with one hand. As if she knew exactly what had to be done, as if she had done this a million times, and the feeling of deja vu was so intense it took his breath away, intensifying the agony he was feeling at the moment.

Even as he wanted to relish on the fact that she had called his name, it only made things worse. It was as if he was being drowned in a dark and dense pool of blood; he couldn't breath, he couldn't move, it hurt all over and his brain was screaming, so altogether is was pretty agonic. It burned inside all the way from his lungs to his nose and tears formed in his eyes. He was asphyxiating in blood. All strength left his body and he collapsed, her slender arms the only thing preventing him to fall to the ground. She held him and as his ears ringed he thought he heard her saying something to him, probably trying to calm him down while his head felt light, his vision faded and he lost sensibility in his body.  
  
So that was it. He was going to die right there, just in front of her, probably traumatizing her with the vision. How unsightly.

And then time stopped. Because if someone had told Souji before that in such a moment of agony he would be able to focus on something beyond this pain he wouldn't have believed them, but he could: He saw in slow motion how Chizuru took a kaiken from her yukata and pressed it against her breast. Her left breast.

It all made sense in a second, it all connected suddenly, everything made sense finally.

He couldn't move. He couldn't stop her.

He saw how the blade disappeared all the way into her chest.

He saw how the love of his life stabbed her heart to save him.

Chizuru killed herself to save him.

Chizuru.

Her lips trembled silently, as if trying to say something, but couldn't. Her eyes rolled upwards and then closed. And then she collapsed on the ground.

And with a low thud everything ended.

  
  


And time started to flow again.

  
  


つづく。。。

 


	4. demise

Souji remembered her. Her eyes, her hair, her mouth, her voice, her touch, her warmth, her taste, her smile, her lips, her laugh, her hands, her body, her scent.

But he didn't remember her lifeless gaze, her unmoving body. The scent of blood and her cold lips.

Because the Chizuru he knew was alive, and this was the corpse of a girl he was holding. It could not be her, but it was. It really was. In the back of his mind he realized he was not coughing anymore, he was not suffocating, he was not dead. Of course.

_My life for his._

The pact had been fulfilled. He was alive because she was dead. But he could not react, he could only hold her and press her body against his chest, his hand cupping her cheek, and caress her slowly, as if she was asleep, as if this was a dream. A dream. A nightmare.

As if he would wake up from this any moment. And she would smile at him again.

 

* * *

 

Because time had ceased to exist and held no longer meaning Souji wasn't sure how much time had passed and he didn't care. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

With a wet sound and a gurgle of blood, the kaiken went off her body and clattered soundlessly in the tatami. He thought he'd not be able to grip it. He did not dare to. But he had to, and after taking hold of it and pulling it out of Chizuru's chest Souji knew he'd never be able to wield a sword again; it was as if he had suddenly realized what death meant. What a dead person was. He had never felt it before. The weight.

He measured time by her body heat, so he held her until she lost her warmth. He kissed her lips until they were cold, and then took her in his arms and placed her gently on her bed.

He buried her in a tomb full of flowers at the field near their house. He now knew that the carefully wrapped hairpin - that girly thing he had mistook for something someone left in the house - was a present he bought for her. A kanzashi he was going to give to Chizuru when he asked her to marry him. He buried it with her.

It didn't matter anymore.

Because her last words were muffled by blood and agony Souji had not a memento to hold on to. Because death was ugly, and he had not known it any other way, he dared not to remember her eyes rolling back up her skull and slowly closing.

But he looked for something. Anything. A letter hidden from him, an answer written by her hand to his questions, rather than the story she told him.

That she loved a man who was sick because of her, that had grown to despise her, that didn't love her. And that she would save him at the expense of her own life.

But he found nothing. And didn't care. Now it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered anymore.

That she died thinking he did not love her.

That she died thinking it was her fault.

It didn't matter anymore. He'd follow suit.  


* * *

 

Souji slept by her side, laid in the same soil that would home her for eternity, and spent the night there; and by dawn he found he was alive, but could not believe how, when everything inside him was broken.

His desire was to die, more than ever. He needed to die. He wanted to die. So he could be with her. So he wasn't without her. So he didn't feel anymore. It didn't matter, whatever would be good, whatever would be better than this. Than this pain. Than this void. Than this guilt, than this crushing feeling of helplessness.

Because he'd never see her again.

He will die.

* * *

 

And then he thought of something. It was strange, that his brain suddenly decided to start working now, all of a sudden. If it wasn't because it was really important he would have hushed it and continued digging his own grave, literally.

But his brain had another idea. So it came as a lone thought, as a memory. A painful shot through his brain.  


_"What do you... mean. You traded, how can that be traded?"_

_"He was sick because of something I did. I made a pact with a god to save him. My time here is... limited."_  


She made a pact with a god.

What god.

And suddenly Souji was furious. It boiled and burned inside him. His desperation gave away to a frenzied necessity to go to wherever that god was and kill him. Destroy him. Burn it, rip it to shreds. To get his revenge.

It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. But he was going to die, so he may aswell take all he could with him.

He'd become a whirlwind of death just as he was years ago. He'd be lethal and uncompassionate. He would become the God of destruction itself and raze all at his feet. And he'd burn that shrine and whatever god that was inside to the ashes.

And then he'd be able to finally die. It was about fucking time.

* * *

 

The mountain of Kamakura had a very famous sanctuary in its forest, full of Shinto shrines that became a river of people in famous dates as tanabata and new year.  
Today though, Souji couldn't care less; what he was looking for was the goddamn shrine that fucking allowed people to trade lives with another. And believe me when I say his patience was in its lowest, if he had had any to begin with. He wanted this over and he wanted it yesterday. So when he saw it appear like magically before him, its roof painted in a deep red and its well surrounded by hydrangeas, he knew that was the fucking shrine. And believe me too it took all he had not to blow it with fire at that very moment. But he had yet another thing to do before that; he was meeting that god, and he was making him dearly pay.

Souji walked the path covered in roots from maple trees that drove to the entrance, didn't bother taking off his sandals covered in mud and stomped inside. The shrine was only illuminated by natural light and the inside was cool compared with the humid heat outside. Not for too long, soon to be illuminated and heated by fire, Souji thought.

So he started by kicking the incense altar and throwing it to the ground.

"Come out you damn bastard! This is the day I'll fucking kill a god!"

There was a silence and Souji grinned menacingly.

"If you don't want to come out I'll make you."

And he stepped inside the altar and kicked the statue of the god. Immediately the air became dense to breath and the poor light coming from the outside became darkness. Souji laughed manically, his green eyes glinting in anticipation.

"It was about time, you fucking coward! Now show your face so I can punch it to pulp."

A gust of wind passed next to him and Souji's reflexes made the rest; he aimed at an inhuman speed the sheath of his sword to where he felt the presence, and it cut through something dense for a moment. Souji laughed insanely before turning serious again.

"Heh... interesting. Not. Now show yourself and let me kill you, bastard."

"Okita Souji."

A deep voice resonated from anywhere and everywhere in the shrine, enveloping a not impressed Souji.

_So the god knows who I am. That saves me a lot of unnecessary introductions._

"And you are?"

"Aimai no Mikoto."

"No shit. That's quite the creative name; did you give it to yourself?"

"This is the name my followers gave me when they summoned me for the first time. _'The obscure god_ '."

Souji rolled his eyes and almost spitted his next words.

"It was a rhetorical question. I couldn't care less what your name was or who named you."

"If you are here it means you have a wish."

That enraged Souji more than he thought it would.

"I am here because someone I knew _had_ a death wish and you, fucking son of a bitch, complied to her desires."

"It is my duty to fulfill the dark wishes of the person who finds this shrine and is willing to pay the price for them."

"And I said-" Souji unsheathed his sword and swallowed the sudden roll of nausea as he did, an effect of the aftershock of -he couldn't dare to remember it- " -I am here to kill you because you did so."

There was a tense silence and Souji smiled like a psycho.

"But yeah, I have a wish. Bring her back. _Right fucking now."_

The god finally took form before Souji and stared at him.

"I cannot do that. Even I can't bring the dead back."

Souji's smile turned even more bloodthirsty.

"Oh well, it's not as if I'd have forgiven your sorry ass if you had. That means I will just skip to killing you at this very moment."

"You don't seem to understand the purpose of this shrine."

Souji's smile vanished, his eyes showing all the murder intent he was no longer keeping under control, his voice a deathly promise.

"Of course I understand. This is the place where idiotic, desperate and vulnerable people come to pray and you take advantage of their helplessness and offer them something forbidden."

"I only fulfill the wishes of those willing to pay the price."

Souji gave him an scornful look.

"Ah, is that so? So you mean you don't try to persuade them into thinking it twice, you don't desire their happiness and speak about the slight disadvantages of their wishes? Because damn, I wanted to ask what mental state _this girl_ was when she came here, probably she arrived pretty desperate, probably on the verge of madness and insanity, to ask you such a thing. Let me tell you though, I assure you I am not on the verge of madness and insanity: I _am_ fucking mad and insane. So if you don't want this to become an insanity rampage of death and destruction, bring. her. back."

"It's you who drove her to that state, not me."

And to Souji that was just the last straw pulled.

Because when he was healthy he had been evenly matched in speed with Saito but definitely more, more bloodthirsty, he had no qualms on whom he killed for the sake of killing. So god or not, to Souji this was just another prey to slaughter.

The god disappeared into thin air as Souji striked down and he quickly revolved, murder intent shining in his green eyes.

"You want to play? I can play, I'm healthy and young, I can play with you for as long as you want; I would prefer it wouldn't be long though, because I'm in a terrible mood right now and the longer we play the more sadistic I'll become once I get you."

He was prepared to hunt down the god around the temple, already moving as if this was Ikeda-ya, his senses heightened as when he was in his years at the Shinsengumi, but then something placed on a small altar caught his attention. Souji stopped dead in tracks from the shock. Very slowly, forgetting everything else, he walked to where it was placed, and his hand stopped barely an inch from it. It couldn't be.

He recognized it.

"That is-"

"Yukimura Chizuru offered this to me."

The god reappeared next to it, but Souji didn't even flinch. That small crane folded in a wasted paper was the first origami she gave him, the night they came back from the hanami matsuri months ago, the first night he thought he'd be dying because of the strong and violent cough attack caused by his tuberculosis. The night he knew his end was near.

"Why do you have it?"

"Why don't _you_ have it?"

Because... he threw it away. That is right. He threw it away in his desperation, shouting miracles didn't exist and he would not be saved no matter how many cranes she folded.

He... started it.

"Still I concede you you loved her; I see no other reason you could break the spell I incarnated."

Wait a damn moment. This was no time to swallow in regret. Souji's furious eyes met the god's.

"What are you talking about."

"Yukimura Chizuru's wishes and the price to pay them were unbalanced; to equal them I determined to erase your memories of her."

"YOU WHAT!?"

It was quick, so quick a normal person wouldn't have seen it; in a second Souji's katana was impaling the God's immaterial body. But nothing happened. Of course. As if killing a god was an easy task.

The God seemed not bothered by his reaction and kept speaking.

"Her life as an Oni amounted more in terms of longevity and health than a human's being, so she had to trade something yours to balance it. And I decided that would be your memories; still you remembered her."

"You dared stealing me our last month together."

Rage consumed Souji's body in waves.

"I am not the god that shall judge you, but if you look in your heart you will find the answer to that question; were you together when she came here?"

It was like a physical blow to his chest, and Souji couldn't speak. Because he knew it was true, he knew he had gradually put distance between them in prevention of his close death, and because he could not bear anymore how he was hurting her... however.

"She misinterpreted why I was getting further away... though I can't blame anyone but me for that. Oh well, I never said I'd come here for redemption, I'm far too gone for that; I came here to destroy you and your sick business and then kill myself."

"That would do little honor to her sacrifice."

"Like I care what you think or if you approve; she decided to do this on her own accord, so if now I die and find her in the afterworld it's our fucking business."

"That is unlikely."

It always got on Souji's wick the fact he was slow to get things people were telling him when he was engaged in the middle of a slaughter having a good time - he wasn't the kind to let someone spoil the fun and it really pissed him off- but, now, _that_ wasn't even subtle.

Twice. It bothered him twice. He didn't come here to gets answers, he was long past caring about this massive sick shit, but.

"You said 'wishes'. What else did she wish apart from my health?"

Souji always asked the questions he never wanted answered. But this one was even worse not knowing, that definitely he did know.

"Yukimura Chizuru prayed for two wishes; one was your lifespan. The other was your redemption."

No.

Impossible.

He had to have misheard, he might have misunderstood.

"Say again?"

"Yukimura Chizuru explained me your hardships since childhood, how you left everything and became the man you are now, how fond you were of that man you considered a father, and of those friends you considered brothers. She told me what you had done until now and why, and then asked me what awaited for you. And for you Okita Souji awaited Hell. Because no matter how licit your action are believed to be, it's a sin to kill another man. Therefore, she prayed for another wish: she traded her soul and afterlife for yours."

Close to catatonic would be an understatement to define Souji at that moment.

Chizuru was in Hell.

No fucking way. No. No.

Souji fell on his knees too desperate to even try and do something.

Not only she was dead, she was paying for his sins after dying. She was... how could she be that stupid!? Did he ever ask her to do such a thing? What the hell was she thinking? Just how far would she go for him??  
Souji knew perfectly well he'd be going to hell after all he had done, if hell existed; something that never bothered him much nor had he spent a lot of time considering because he had already suffered a lot in life and well, when he knew he'd die a little earlier it didn't matter anymore because damn, he never regretted what he had done so far, so he accepted it. But this. What the fuck was this.

Why.

"Why."

"She said your soul was pure, that you were a good person who just had the misfortune to have a difficult life, and that you fought for something greater than ideals, and that even though she knew killing was bad, she'd not judge it because in this era mad with blood and greed for power, you fought for this man, and fought for her. So, even though it was selfish because you had traveled a difficult path but had persevered and survived she wanted you to have a redemption."

Souji's voice was strained, it took him a while to find it.

"That redemption belonged to her."

"She traded it."

"Like I fucking care!!"

Souji got up and slashed the god again and again, every hit more vicious that the one before, his tears clouding his vision. He lost his balance and fell to the ground, his katana slipping from his hand, his voice cracking with desperation.

"Revert it. I'm begging you, revert it. I'll pay you. Get her to her deserved heaven. Please."

"I cannot."

"Why!?"

"She is already there; I cannot change facts. If you had died before she killed herself she would have been freed from the curse. I told you, the only thing I cannot do is bring the dead back."

Souji felt he could not breath. But something pulled from him deeper than desperation; he had to react, he had to do something. He would not abandon her there; he had not been able to save her from death, he could not bring her back to life, but. There had to be something he could do. Something. Anything.

Anything.

"Oi. If I died, I'd go to her Heaven, wouldn't I?"

The god nodded.

"I don't know how this stuff works, probably it's impossible, but is there any way for me to go find her from where I would be to wherever she is?"

There was a silence. The god seemed to be thinking.

"You are asking me if there is a way for you to go to hell for her."

"Yes."

"... There shouldn't be."

There shouldn't.

"I have a wish."

His voice was a determined whisper, voice raspy, but the god heard it.

"You need the price to pay it."

"Goddamn, let me tell you first at least. Then you can crush me if you want."

"Well then."

"I want to go and save her from her punishment."

"You want to travel from heaven to hell and rescue her?"

"And take her place. Once we are both dead I don't think there is a problem; pretty sure they have a file with my data and right now are not believing how this girl could be the famous shinsengumi assassin."

"I need to check if I can do that."

"You mean nobody asked you this before?"

"Yes."

It was meant as another rhetoric question but the god answered matter-of-factly and then disappeared. And Souji stayed there, as if he was waiting for a monthly check-up, waiting for an answer. Waiting. Because it wasn't a no. If it wasn't a no then it could be done. And if it could be done he will do it.

The god reappeared before Souji with a small satsuma-yaki vase painted in vivid colors depicting a blue flying bird being consumed in flames.

"It can be done. You can travel from Heaven to Hell if you drink this. It will be painful though, your body will resent and-"

"Pain is not a problem."

Pain worse than tuberculosis eating his lungs, worse that rasetsu thirst for blood, worse than his comrades dying and losing his loved one before his eyes, such pain did not exist; pain other that these would mean nothing.

"Your 'body' will hurt after dying. You will be able to retain conscience after death and travel from worlds, but that will cause you severe strain and pain. The nearer you are to Hell the stronger the pain will become, because your soul will reject the path. But this is the only way; if you are able to overcome it and cross Hell's gates, half the quest will be done."

"Ha. Half the quest, huh?"

"Once there, it will be up to your will to save her. I can do no more from there onwards."

"It's enough. What is the price for this?"

Souji was ready to pay anything. Anything he had. Anything in his reach.

"This wish's price is too high, I fear nothing you could give me would suffice to pay the price."

No. Souji felt someone had stabbed him. There had to be something he could do, something he could trade. He would do anything, anything he was required to do to pay the price, it didn't matter, whatever-

"Therefore you better be able to save her. Do not let this go to waste."

And very slowly and very carefully the god trusted the small vase to Souji's hands.

"You are... giving this to me."

"Yes."

There was an understanding without words at that moment. That Souji loved her, loved her enough to sacrifice anything for her, as she had loved him, and that the god acknowledged and honored these sacrifices.

"Thank you."

Souji bowed deeply, his forehead touching the tatami mat. His voice strained and hoarse. He gripped the vase tightly and rose his head.

"How do I do it?"

"Drink it before you die."

"Oh, so this won't kill me?"

"No, this is a catalyst; you need to die for it to have effect."

"Eh... really. And here I was thinking this would save me all the mess of cutting myself open."

The god scrutinized him.

"For someone about to die, you sure take it like lightly."

"Not lightly. I am not scared of death, I've never been. Up until now... the only thing I was scared was to lose my loved ones. This has already happened, so. I am a man with nothing left to lose, so I can only go forward."

They looked one to the other.

"I can _save you_ from that mess if you want. I need you to pay me though."

"Sure, say what you can do; I'll tell you if I am interested."

"I can kill you instantly."

"Um... yeah, right. It's tempting but I'm not convinced. You see, I would like for my body to rest where she is. I am quite picky."

The god narrowed his eyes at Souji's sardonic smile.

"Naw, don't worry. I'll take care of my own business. It's been a pleasure meeting you- or that is what I would like to say, but. This is wrong, and by no means I can condone what you do here. Her life was worth a million times mine, and you should have been able to measure that, so if we ever see each other again... I'll look for a way to kill you. Be sure of that."

And then Souji bowed, turned around and went out of the shrine, never looking back.

So, in the end he'd be seeing Matsumoto sensei at the end of this month; though he doubted he'd be glad by his motives. He also wondered if he'd have something against burying him slightly before time. Oh well, that's what friends are for.

Souji walked past the rest of the shrines, down the mountain, past the trees.

To the meadow full of flowers where she was waiting for him.

To go and save her.

"Wait for me, Chizuru. I'm coming right now."

  
  


 

_『何度生まれ変わっても、木漏れ日満ちるあなたの元へ』_

_no matter how many times I am reborn, I'll go to the place filled with sunlight that seeps through the trees where you are._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will meet again in part 2 Kimi no tameni: Hell.
> 
> 君のために - 地獄


End file.
